Not gonna lie, 'New Slaves' got me fired up...

by trulymadlydeeply On Saturday, May 18, 2013 0 comments
Some lines of mine inspired by Kanye, from a well stored up, up, up
come on get your cups, cups, cups...

Truth Saves

you want the solution to all these problems
ones like they're trying to own us, our genes, His seeds
here I'll give em to you I got it  --
no I didn't come up with the answers
I'm not that stupid
I just took my chances and listened
But not to just any
Hustler on TV
What's ironic is most men don't want to hear it
They wanna keep on struggling, like it's a damn party
Holding on to their issues, holding on to the fear
Thinking that's what makes them
want your pain to scar up,
wear it proud like you got some
some truth out of hatred
some wisdom from material gain
When the truth is you stand where you started
still running around in their game
Was the loneliness your winnings?
Did the sickness make you vain?
First step:
stop pretending
Next one is bow down
no not to a self-made queen
put your damned desires in the ground
let that shit fertilize what's worth growing
but don't worry there's exceptions
cause every system needs em
a little space to breathe n
here it goes:
it's a dovetail
that's where we find peace
take your fire, your anger, your need for needs
and use it in service of the only one who owns it
nothing here belongs to you
nothing here belongs to me
trust that this life as most lead it is nothing but fleeting pictures and dreams
take it, next level:
what you got when you found love,
that's a piece of a piece
but quickly it'll break if you forget it in heat
so merge your wants with an action
and do it for the G
here comes step three:
abandon all forms of religion
surrender unto Me
Yea, it's that simple
Now what will you do
Listen and love
or continue to bleed?

A Poem a Day...

by trulymadlydeeply On Friday, May 17, 2013 0 comments
Keeps the doctor away

My main man Hafiz on the ones and twos of truth and cool:

At This Party

I don't want to be the only one here
Telling all the secrets -
Filling up all the bowls at this party,
Taking all the laughs.
I would like you
To start putting things on the table
That can also feed the soul
The way I do.
That way
We can invite
A hell of a lot more Friends.


Believe you

by trulymadlydeeply On Tuesday, May 14, 2013 0 comments
I believe that the feelings that I get come from what I give, and that what I give is what I have. And what I have, where did that come from? It came from deep inside, from seeds planted over many, many lifetimes, growing out when they need to see the light. It came from the mirror effect of self-exploration and inquiry reflected by other kindred seekers. Well, it comes from you, too.

But can I believe you? Because the fact is, I don't have you. Does that mean I manufactured it all? Well, two things. What isn't manufactured but a very few precious things in this material world? And second, I never wanted to have you. Not in the way most people want to have one anothers, have relationships nowadays, anyway. What I guess I felt, what I idealized and projected, maybe even manifested, was a having that consisted in the sharing of the feelings we give to one another, have for one another, all just to take this life-situation higher. Isn't that the best way to love? As far as I can tell, it's been hard, and it's been lonely as hell. But in the process is the highest truth.

Yet, maybe I was mistaken. Mistaken in my placement.
I did one time, believe you. And for a time after that, a time where you seemed to act against your heart and word, I withdrew my faith and placed it on another rung, on a foundation I hadn't actively intended to start from. Luckily for me, something, someone out there is looking out for my highest good. Maybe it's my momma who prays for me, some angel called to soothe. Maybe it's my inner heart which never wanted anything but the truth; for nothing but the truth would ever do, you see? Either way, some knowledge I wasn't really looking for -- but needed -- was given me.

And what I received was a wave of perfect harmony, floating me to easy decisions, safe and healthy commitments. I found myself back in learning mode, in a room where students of another caliber gathered to understand better those things hardly any schools teach these days (did they ever?). This institute for higher learning isn't like what you pay a fortune for. It's not the same four year party-with-an-exam kind of score. Not to say that all institutes of higher learning are. But now that I think about it, it was kind of a party. A spiritual party dedicated to the most high. And boy were people high. Yet so, so, down to earth. So, so cognizant and careful. Caring and helpful. Smart and free of pretense; like another dimension where everything made perfect if not wonderfully complex sense. Somedays I wake up and wonder: did that actually happen? When I go back, will it still seem so real? Did I take enough with me, to carry on the special feel? It's not all in my hands I guess, a mess of a test to hand someone who likes control; but a beautiful lesson in letting go and letting the trust flow.

One day, wondering, I asked my teacher about that kind of lovin I'd only known for another, which I found myself being taught to give to the creator.
So to my teacher, I asked her:
"What if that love, the one that can't be let down when placed up high, what if you direct that towards another human being in the same way, with no expectations, with the same unconditional bounty and grace and devotion we're meant to give to the divine?" (paraphrased)

"Well," she started, "They will disappoint you."

Ah. Yes. It was so simple, wasn't it? And while my head wanted to pretend like it wasn't disappointed, my heart knew the ache because it'd felt it.

I nodded, still trying to negotiate the truth, reasoning internally, that it'd have to be the place you came from wouldn't it? Can't be disappointed if you have no expectations but then again, you can't continue if you're not expecting love. But to trump it all, wouldn't that real kind of love go on anyway, over and beyond expecting a fruit to taste?
So I believed you. And I believe her. And I believe in the realness of the invisible.

I also believe that while man makes mistakes and can't be trusted, and will be fooled and disappointed, cheated and led astray by his own kind, his own kin, his own brand of what some call sin; that there's a smidgen of power I contain to continue on regardless.

It takes a kind of artist to understand the superior value of process. And I guess it would take a kind of genius to learn the right process and then build smarter, better, truer with it; compressing his impulses for the sake of diamonds, reaching for the presence as the final accomplishment in timelessness.

Time will tell if I'll ever believe in a man again, the way I did, the way the best part of me can. In the meantime, I believe in that love; in the strength it gives as it forces you to process it, slowly takes away the things you don't really, truly need.

Just another Tuesday dans ma vie

by trulymadlydeeply On Tuesday, May 14, 2013 0 comments
Finally getting around to watching The Artist is Present today. Two seconds into it I'm deeply moved of course because her whole ethos and drive are so dead on and powerful. And then...

Right before this scene showing a piece of hers and Ulay's from the 80's, "Rest Energy", someone knocks at the door. I open the door to find three Korean missionaries from the Church of God, who I let in (because why lose the opportunity to glimpse how another lives and believes?) so that they may proceeded to show me videos and talk to me about God the Father and God the Mother and the Spirit and the bride. Fun. 

What does it all mean!?


She's something of a soul sister for me that Marina is.... brilliant spirit

Introducing: Allie Mae

by trulymadlydeeply On Monday, May 13, 2013 0 comments
Allie Mae is my alter ego. Conceived unconsciously somewhere between 2010 and now,  born this morning the minute I decided to run with it. To run with the crazy creative notion of letting the wacky stuff you say and invisible characters you embody behind closed doors come to light for the levity of it. And, of course, because it's me we're talking about, making it align with some higher purpose... Or so I (Allie) hope...

Allie Mae is a sweet, fun-loving, open-hearted good-girl with an accent that betrays her roots.

She's here to share her humble wisdom and random musings on topics yet unknown and known; on love, happiness, yoga, and successful life.

Part performance art, part acting, part real-deal consciousness, join Allie Mae's wacky and lovable character every now and then for a dose of her mad little head and heart of gold.

just f--king write a book already

by trulymadlydeeply On Sunday, May 12, 2013 0 comments
Preface

Ever feel like you've been carrying around a ton of emotions, experiences, ideas, concerns, memes, thought streams, subjects, faces, problems, solutions, rhymes, scenes, colors, cities, dreams and screams? You know, like you're just about due for a giant mind-dump but have been stuck-up, holding it in for the right moment instead as life takes you by the hand to another land, another grand day-bleeding-into-night. And when that right moment comes you find yourself semi-censoring yourself because you want to walk that fine line of decorum/honesty, interest/discretion, human decency and mystique, all-too elusive in a brave new world where over-sharing is the norm and under-thinking its side-kick? Well I'm goin' for the jugular and it might just end up being an E-book. Are those hot right now? Because although I spend a fair amount of time on the inter webs, that browsing is limited to the sphere of a few blogs, Facebook, Instagram and that good ol' Google Reader feed I'm getting ready to say goodbye to. Thank God for Lena Dunham, that episode of 'Girls' which kindly informed me that E-books might actually be "a thing". But that show is semi-fictional so I can't be entirely sure. There's that fine line again.

Yea, well here it is.

Or maybe here it isn't.

Here goes something. Will I press 'Publish?' That's for the end to tell. Today, well today it's Monday, May 13, 2013. 12:12 AM, Hamburg Germany. Will I run down a dream shared by countless and inked by few like Hunter S. Thompson -- that off-the-rails blabber mouth -- or perhaps that Kerouac fellow, too lost and found for our (and by 'our' I mean all aspiring gypsy-writers) own good? Or will my pages be marred by modern ephemera, serving only to betray my timeless messages with artifacts which date me and my wanderings, belie in neon lights the true grit still at the bottom of my suit case? This is where the beloved reader, you, my dear counterpart, come in. I have faith in you, in your poetic heart to take these words and allow them entree in that land which knows not the bounds of judgement and instead hears the meaning behind the mayhem. This is my hand, outstretched in black-and-white words on a page, outstretched in a human effort to connect to that longing laying dormant in everyman's heart, to lay bare my own longing as it took shape in flight, en route to God knows where...

Since 2003

Been on the road since 2003, or so it feels. Ok, not actually that long. But that's when I left home. And wouldn't you know it, that's when the road really starts. Ask any travelin man-boy or rarin' teenage girl ready-for-the-world when things got real and they might just tell ya -- "The day I left home". In some cases, these tumbleweeds may not even have a say in the matter. Home leaves them. Home ain't never held them, for they were born in a world free of warm blankets and careful curfews, watchful eyes and doors and curtains. But there I was, tumbled out of my parent's cozy suburban home on a peaceful tree-lined street which also happened to be named after a tree. Sycamore. Sycamore Ave. Sycamores, as luck would have it, aren't so good at hiding their growth. They're an open-book kinda tree. Which is slightly, sadly, ironic since there's always a chance a beloved tree will one day take shape as a book. But the thing with Sycamores is that they shows scars of brown and grayish bark, scabby and molten from a pushy, stretchy growth more readily than other trees. That's due to their rigid exteriors, forced open by an inside that just can't bear containment.

So there I was, all metaphorically scabby and broken, looking for a new home as I raced my way optimistically and with visions of fashionable soirees into the arms of a city half-way around the world. Seems I'd held this city, that dear and lighted city of Paris, in some part of me as already a local, for when I arrived I immediately made contact with a real, no holds barred Parisian. Yes, ladies and gentleman of the jury, this first encounter of mine was one in which I was brusquely and blurrily molested for the 1.5 seconds it took for me, a native Queens girl, to shout expletives in English at 7am in the 13th arrondissement whilst angrily and, if I shall admit, fearfully, pushing a drunken offender off of me. It didn't help that across the street from the block-style 60's youth residence, the one established "to help build a Europe that would be open to the rest of the world, to combat racism and to foster cultural exchanges among young people around the world" was an asylum for recovering addicts and the mentally unstable. Looking back, I probably had thoughts of psychosis myself as the months wore on in this new city, far, far away from home; broke as I had become under the weight of movable feasts and the lack of funds.

......................................

Chapbook, Digital Chapbook

by trulymadlydeeply On Sunday, May 12, 2013 0 comments
I feel the eclipse in its wake
The kicked up dust,
my fresh and ready face
Hardened in all the right ways
Soft as the love that nudged me into place
Lost my senses in the sway
Now my mind's got the space
the space it needs, the ground to take
the roots around the seeds we scatter,
like our cares to the wind
Awaken hungry for the dream
Because I know too-well its taste
Seen the promise land,
felt its warm embrace
as he cut another side
in the middle of my night
3 am, not a single headlight leading wrong ways
Safe where it counts
Wrapped in the sounds of another time and place
Timeless, as it cuts to the chase

***

the walls, would be smart to draw them up
up around your good sense,
understanding when enough of their words
are actually not right at all
not for you
not for the standing order you hold in hand
the one to become a better man
so the thoughts of others
that drive you to reflect
all the broken things
can dissolve by your permission
to take your eyes just north of the horizon
and with that sight
breathe easy

***

on and off
flashing like a misplaced yellow warning sign
in the middle of a barren road at night
on and off
goes the cake
goes the eating
goes the leaving
goes the coming
back for
more
on and off
pleasure
renunciation
pleasure
renunciation
where is the more
the more beyond the cycles of
on and off
on and off,
where you are neither
who you think
nor who you are
but who you
always were

Ad made me cry

by trulymadlydeeply On Thursday, May 02, 2013 0 comments
Is it me, or just the deep beauty of this? Dang, Dove.




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Je suis une fille qui sais que
d'aimer trop sauve la vie. Je suis, je serai toujours, entraine d'etre sauvé pendant cette vie. Pourtant, la balance se cherche en tous que je touche. Mais pour l'amour, y aura jamais moins que tous. C'est ça, blank blank fullness

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